


Cracked Glass

by ThatHalGuy



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abusive Dave's Bro | Beta Dirk Strider, Bonding over bad situations, Bro Strider is not a good parent, Dead name, Dubious Consent, Grief/Mourning, Hallucinations, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Mentioned Bro Strider - Freeform, Paranoia, Sadstuck, Self-Esteem Issues, Sibling Incest, Suicide, Therapy, Trans Buddies, Trans Male Dave Strider, Trans Male Karkat Vantas, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-12-09 04:23:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20988794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatHalGuy/pseuds/ThatHalGuy
Summary: Karkat has never had the best luck with relationships. What little good comes from them is far outweighed by the bad, and his self esteem has taken some serious hits. A particularly horrible experience could be the breaking point where he begins to question: Am I even worthy of love?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Terrible Person(tm) back at it again with the feels train. This was brought to life with the help of my wife, our combined story skills aimed toward drama can create some seriously depressing stuff when I take it and expand on it.
> 
> Apologies in advance if I make you cry.

Nothing good would ever come of a crush. Karkat believed that firmly. As a kid, he'd had crushes on several of his friends or classmates, and they had all ended with Karkat feeling worse about even trying to spark a relationship. He stopped trying to turn a crush into love when he was thirteen. At fourteen he developed the worst crush of all. Partly because it was mixed with rising hormones and fantasies, but mostly because it was for his brother, Kankri. He tried to force it away, telling himself that it was a horrible idea. Kankri had made it very clear that he took a vow of celibacy, so the wild fantasies that he imagined would never happen. Kankri would never have an interest in him in the first place, because they were  _ siblings _ for fuck's sake, and being three years older meant he knew better. Plus, they were both under 18 anyway, and that was definitely illegal.

For two years, Karkat fought with himself to bury this crush under denial and logic. When Kankri started going to college at 19, and Karkat only saw him when he returned home for the weekend, the crush finally subsided. He could forget about ever having felt anything but irritation and reluctant familial love for his pretentious, lecturing brother. He could continue through the wild chaos of high school and let his brother live his own life, finishing college, and returning to stay with their father and him until he'd gotten a good job, and enough money for a place of his own.

At almost nineteen, free from high school, Karkat had the whole world ahead of him. College, a job, maybe even love. He thought he could finally move on from teenage drama and roller coaster emotions. However, fate had different ideas, it seemed. He knew Kankri was having a bad day. He'd snapped at Karkat for meaningless jabs at him, things he usually brushed off, he'd sulked through chores, and locked himself in his room after dinner. Karkat knew not to bother him when he got in a mood, it only ended in arguments and shouting and their father having to break it up before Karkat lashed out with fists. So he let Kankri have his space, and retreated to his own room to relax and go to bed.

Around two in the morning, he was woken up by hands on his chest, and a mouth pressing hungrily to his own. He squirmed, but the hands only squeezed his breasts roughly, making him whine as he opened his eyes to see who the hell was- his mind froze in shock. Was he still dreaming? But the pinching if his nipples only confirmed this was real. He twisted his head to the side, pulling away from the kiss.

"K-Kankri??" He panted, and his brother hummed in agreement, "W-what the hell are you-"

"Don't tell me you don't want this." His brother cut him off, leaning down to suckle on one of his nipples, drawing a strained moan from Karkat, "All those nights you spent moaning my name. Did you think I wouldn't notice?" Karkat's gut twisted in shame and a feeling he couldn't quite place. Kankri knew. Kankri had heard him pleasuring himself to the fantasies he could never have. And now he was forcing his knee between Karkat's legs, making the younger brunette gasp and squirm when his thigh pressed to Karkat's crotch.

"F-fuck… why are you…?" The shorter mumbled out between noises, biting his lip to keep quiet. Kankri huffed out a quiet laugh,

"Something to remember me by." His mouth closed around a nipple, and Karkat had to press a hand to his mouth to muffle the startled moan that tried to escape. The now free hand travelled downward, over Karkat's stomach, down to his thigh, pushing it aside so Kankri could settle between Karkat's legs completely. Karkat whimpered, arching toward his brother and gripping his shoulder with one hand. In any other situation, Karkat would have pushed him away and demanded an explanation, or shouted insults, but in this moment, all he could think about was the mouth on his nipple, and the hand dipping down to rub his clit. He stifled another moan, his hips twitching toward the fingers, clinging to Kankri's shoulders and scratching at his skin.

"K-Kankri!" He gasped, getting hushed by his brother,

"Don't wanna wake up Dad." He murmured, his fingers dipping lower. Karkat bit his lip, whimpering as a finger pressed inside him, "How often did you fantasize about me, Karkat?" He continued, making Karkat squirm and whine, "Did you pleasure yourself every night, imagining it was me?" The younger writhed as a second finger pressed into him, "You're already so wet… You really did want this, didn't you?" Karkat refused to answer, just focusing on keeping his voice down as his nails raked across Kankri's back. He couldn't deny that a part of him saw this as a dream come true. But another part vehemently reminded him that this was wrong on so many levels. This was his  _ brother _ , he technically forced himself on Karkat, and- and his fingers curled just so and made Karkat choke out a moan, arching up and clawing at his back.

"F-fuck, Kankri…!" Karkat panted, bucking against the thrusting fingers and moaning into Kankri's shoulder. How did his brother, who refused to have sex, know all this stuff about how to make him feel so damn good? He could have gotten off just like that, but the hand retreated suddenly, and Karkat couldn't help but whine.

"Relax, little brother. I was just making sure you were stretched out." Karkat felt a brief moment of panic spike through his chest, and he tried to push Kankri away, only to have his legs spread further, "Don't worry, I already put a condom on. I'm not an animal." That was only half of his concern, but at least he had the decency to use protection, even though this was blatantly breaking his vow. Karkat whimpered as his brother lined them up and began to slowly press inside, moaning quietly, "Mmm, you're so warm…" Karkat couldn't help how his muscles squeezed around Kankri, letting out a breathy moan and holding his shoulders tighter.

"K-Kan...kri…" He whimpered, squeezing again when their hips met. He'd never had anything that deep inside him. It was honestly a little bit exciting to know it was Kankri inside him, even though the bad implications far outweighed that. It didn't take long for his brother to start rocking his hips, drawing little moans and whimpers from Karkat, holding his thighs apart to easily push into him again and again. Karkat clung to his shoulders, rocking his own hips back against each thrust, his moans getting a little louder. Kankri groaned quietly, letting go of one leg to brace on the bed and thrust faster,

"That's it, Karkat… You feel amazing…" He murmured, and Karkat moaned in reply. The younger got lost in the pleasure, how good it felt to be finally living a fantasy he had, to have some good come from a crush he'd never tried to pursue. Maybe, a part of him whispered, just maybe, this could be a sign that things would get better for him. He could love someone who wouldn't end up hating him, who could help him with his issues, rather than abandon him because of them. It felt like an eternity and far too soon at once before his body was tensing up, and he raked his nails across Kankri's shoulders, chanting his name in desperate, needy whispers. Kankri thrust harder, panting with the effort.

"Touch yourself, Karkat. Cum for your big brother." He muttered, and Karkat whined, one hand slipping between them to rub his clit urgently. He was so close… so close… He barely stifled the cry that came with his orgasm, inner muscles clenching around Kankri's cock as it continued thrusting into him. Karkat kept moving his fingers, burying his face in Kankri's shoulder to muffle his noises as he followed the first orgasm with a second not long after. Kankri groaned, finally pressing deep into Karkat as he shuddered and his hips twitched. As they both stilled, Karkat gasped for air, trying to get his breath back, and let his hands fall away onto the bed.

They lay there for a moment or two, Karkat replaying it all in his mind as Kankri pulled out, shifting away to dispose of the condom. It was intense and far more carnal than Karkat had fantasized about in the past, but… it had been good, all things considered. One thing stuck in his mind, above the wrongness of an incestuous intimate experience.

"What did you mean," Karkat began slowly, looking at Kankri where he was settled on the edge of the bed, "when you said 'something to remember me by'?" Kankri glanced back at him, giving a small, wry smile in the darkness,

"One last good memory of your brother." He replied vaguely, getting up and pulling on his clothes, "Goodnight, Karkat." The younger Vantas was confused, sitting up partially and reaching for his hand, only to have it pushed away,

"Kankri, what do you mean?" He insisted, reaching for him again, missing as Kankri moved toward the door. "Kankri?" But he left without another word. Karkat was confused, worried, wanting to make sure his brother was okay, but also too tired to get up yet. Getting off wore him out, having sex made him feel exhausted, even if it was in a good way. He rolled onto his side, deciding to rest for a bit, and then go check on Kankri.

He wasn't sure how long he'd been dozing, but a sudden BANG from outside made him jolt upright, frightened and panicked. He grabbed a robe, pulling it on before rushing to his dad's door.

"Dad?! Dad, are you awake?!" He called, and was relieved to hear his dad's footsteps and the door open. In his own robe, Kaimon Vantas greeted Karkat's panicked look with his own concerned expression.

"I heard it too. Go wait in your room, son, I'll check it out." Karkat whined, but let his dad usher him back to his room.

"I-it sounded like it came from the backyard…" He offered before shutting his door and letting his dad investigate. He paced for a few minutes, then jolted at the quiet knock on his door.

"Karkat?" His father's tone was delicate, trying to remain calm to keep his son from panicking further, "I need you to stay put. Don't look outside, don't leave your room, okay?" Karkat bit his lip and whimpered to himself, but mumbled out a soft 'okay' in response. He curled up on the bed, biting his nails anxiously, only for a vast pit to drop into his stomach at the sound of approaching sirens. That was the wail of an ambulance. It was coming to the house.

_ Kankri _ .

He felt empty and sick all at once. Tears welled up in his eyes as the pieces fell together like heavy stones crashing onto his shoulders. Something to remember. One last memory. He buried his face in his knees as the red lights flashed through the curtains onto his wall, and sobbed. Of course it was too good to be true. Why did he let himself think that any of this would turn out okay? Kankri would never decide to break his vow of celibacy and indulge Karkat's secret crush on a whim like that. Of  _ course _ it was a twisted final goodbye. Nothing good ever came of his crushes. Every one of them had ended in disaster. This was the worst of them all. This was his penance. God's punishment for lusting for his brother. He heard the emergency crew hurry past his window toward the gate that led them to the backyard, but couldn't do anything but cry into his knees, covering his head with his arms. His brother was gone. Kankri had taken his virginity and then killed himself. The reality was crushing his already low self esteem into dust, and darker parts of his brain reminded him that no one would love him. Nothing he did would ever make people want to be around him. Footsteps and quiet voices passed his window again, and Karkat tried to block it all out. He didn't want to be here any more. This dream was too far into nightmare territory now. He wanted to wake up.

The ambulance left, and his father came into his room quietly, sitting on the bed and pulling Karkat into his arms for a tight hug. Karkat clung to him in return, still taking shuddering breaths as tears escaped his eyes. He felt like he might shatter in the embrace, but also didn't want it to stop. He needed the emotional support and comfort, even if his father didn't understand the full extent of why. Karkat wasn't sure he could tell him without falling apart. They stayed there for what felt like hours before Kaimon gently laid his son down and tucked the blanket around him.

"Try to get some sleep, son. I love you." He murmured, but the phrase rang hollow in Karkat's mind. He simply nodded, rolling onto his side and curling up as his father left to return to his own bed. He wasn't sure he could sleep now, left alone with his hateful thoughts toward himself, so he pulled his phone closer to distract himself instead.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The death of someone is hard on all who care about them. Karkat has to come to terms with his reality now, and it's not going to be easy. At least his dad is there to mourn with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My wife helped me with this chapter. She has more knowledge about psychology and how a therapist should act, so she got to go over the story as I wrote it and make sure what I was saying was accurate.

_ Dear Karkat,  _

_ I'm sorry.  _

_ More than anything, I am so sorry that you were touched by this shadow. _

_ If you're reading this, then I've already said goodbye in my own twisted way, and likely left no explanation.  _

_ I've never been a good brother to you. Not one day in our childhood or now have I stepped into the role given to me and treated you with anything but forced or half-hearted kindness, and I know it showed. It was and is unfair of me, and you didn't deserve a moment of it. Nor do you deserve a moment more. _

_ You deserve someone who will care for you like a younger sibling. Like a younger brother should be cared for. I should have been there for you when you came out, and every day before and after in support of you. _

_ I hope I was gentle, I certainly planned to be, and I know it was most likely sudden, I'm sorry for that as well. I've heard you at night many times, and I wanted to at least be a good lover, even if I remain a horrible brother. I hope my reading beforehand managed to supply a decent understanding of what would make you feel good. I also hope that the thought of my looking for such information, with a great deal of shock and embarrassment I assure you, was a pleasant one, despite the circumstances. I know you always did like to see me get flustered. _

_ In the note left for Dad, I left an account number in your name. I hope that you use it for something that makes you happier than I ever could have. It's not much, but it should help get you started in the right direction. _

_ I'll put in a good word for you, wherever I end up.  _

_ Love now and always, _

_ Kankri _

The email had appeared in his inbox the day after, and Karkat read it over and over, fresh tears flowing down his cheeks. The loss was too fresh, it hurt too much, he could barely will himself out of bed to eat food. His dad was on the phone most of the day, informing close friends and relatives of Kankri's passing, and arranging a funeral in the cemetery. He'd be buried beside their mother on Saturday.

The week was a messy blur of emotions. Karkat fluctuated between sobbing so hard he had to use his inhaler to get his breath back, crippling self-loathing, and a detached numbness. Nothing felt real any more. His dad did his best to put on a brave face and push through the days organizing the funeral, but Karkat could see he was just as torn up by the loss. He barely left Karkat's side, gave him more hugs than usual, and they had a tightness to them that belied his need to know Karkat was there.

The funeral itself was heavy, weighed down by mourning, and Kaimon's voice cracked more than once as he read out the eulogy he wrote. Everyone that had ever been close to Kankri was there to say their goodbyes to the closed casket before it was lowered into the ground and covered. Many of the mourners came to Karkat's side to offer condolences, but the words meant nothing to him. He just nodded silently and let them move on to murmur to Kaimon. Karkat stared at the headstone, the world around him seeming so distant, and wrapped his arms around himself. Longer arms came from behind him, pulling him into a tight embrace as his hair was nuzzled. He was greeted by the smell of herbs and soda.

"Gamzee." He murmured, and his lanky friend hummed softly into his hair,

"Hey best friend." He replied quietly, his usual goofy nature set aside for the serious day, "You gonna be okay?" Karkat shook his head, leaning against the taller teen for support, "Well… me and Kurbro are always here for you." Karkat nodded, taking a small comfort in the cuddles he was given. Gamzee was one person he could rely on. Even if his own issues were far, far worse, he wanted Karkat to be happy. He needed that right now. Another tall figure came up beside him, placing a hand on his shoulder with a small squeeze. Karkat offered a small smile up at Gamzee's brother, getting one in return. The three of them stood there until Kurloz tapped his brother's arm and made some signs. Karkat mumbled a goodbye, watching them leave, and then went over to his dad, getting a tight hug. They went home soon after, and Karkat collapsed into bed, staring at the wall until sleep claimed him.

His dreams meandered meaninglessly at first, useless nonsense drifting through his brain, but then began to form a solid moment. Karkat on his back, hands on his breasts, and a cock moving in and out of him. Karkat moaned Kankri's name in his dream, the hands squeezing his breasts in response. It felt good… so good… He moaned and writhed under his brother, clinging to his arms, urging him to lean closer so he could wrap his arms around his shoulders. Something dripped onto his chest, warm and thick, and he tried to look at what it was. A smudge of red on his skin. What- he looked up at Kankri's face, his gut clenching in horror. A gaping bullet wound in his head was dripping blood, his face deathly pale and blank. He was holding Karkat. Still  _ moving _ inside him. Cold, clammy hands grabbed his shoulders and tried to pull him closer to the gruesome face, and Karkat screamed. He kicked and screamed and shoved the corpse away, but the face wouldn't leave his vision. He kept screaming, his thrashing jerking him awake, and he scrambled back against the wall, his screams turning into broken sobs as he curled up tightly. His dad rushed in, ready to defend him, only to draw him into a tight hug once he saw Karkat was alone. Kaimon reassured him as best he could that it was just a nightmare, whatever had terrified him wasn't real, that he was safe. Karkat sobbed into his shoulder until he exhausted himself, then curled up in his dad's arms and whimpered softly under the comforting rubs between his shoulder blades. If  _ that _ was what was waiting for him when he dreamed, he didn't want to sleep.

The next morning, Karkat was exhausted, having forced himself to stay awake after Kaimon left to go back to bed, but still forced himself to get up and eat breakfast with his dad. They were both silent through most of it, but near the end, his dad set down his fork and cleared his throat.

"Karkat," he began carefully, "I know we're both very upset about what happened, and it can be hard to cope with such a loss. One of my friends is a counselor and therapist, and I would like us both to talk to him. We can either go together, or separate, but I really think-"

"Sure." Karkat mumbled, pushing away his empty plate, "I'd rather talk to him alone, though." Kaimon relaxed, smiling in quiet relief.

"Thank you. I'll give him a call and schedule a visit for each of us." Karkat nodded, and went to sit on the couch while his dad spoke quietly over the phone. He had a couple slots open later that day, so Kaimon led his son to the car after lunch to drive to the counseling office he worked in. The large framed degree on the wall declared his name to be Wade Phillips, and his receptionist was a petite woman with large glasses and a bright smile. She introduced herself as Serenity. The waiting room itself was small, but lined with colorful toys on shelves at the perfect height for children to grab. Coloring books were lined up on a shelf above with crayons, safe from small hands wanting to draw on everything and break them, but still in view to be asked for.

Karkat leaned back in his seat, staring at the modest decorations as his dad was led back to the office. He agreed to talk to the man first, give him an understanding of what they were going through, so he wouldn't have to ask Karkat as many questions to understand his situation. The hour dragged on mostly in silence, except for Serenity answering the phone and talking to other clients, so Karkat occupied his time texting Gamzee about going to a therapist. His lanky friend had plenty of experience with them already, so Karkat got plenty of rambling information about some of the questions that might be asked, as well as how there would likely be things for him to fiddle with to help occupy his hands in the moment.

When his dad returned, his eyes were redder, and he sniffled now and then, but he smiled at Karkat encouragingly. Karkat followed Serenity back to the office and let him in. This room was even more like a child's playroom than the waiting room. Pictures of children's art were tacked on one wall, a corner of the room was full of massive pillows and stuffed animals and blankets, and the walls themselves had drawings all over them. A box of markers sat on one corner of the desk, along with a Rubik's cube and some similar puzzle toys. The man at the desk was about Karkat's height, his hair brushed back into a ponytail, and his features were soft and round, crinkling around the eyes with his warm smile,

"Hello, Karkat. Please, make yourself comfortable." He said, and Karkat nodded, sitting in one of the chairs facing him,

"Hey, Dr. Phillips." He mumbled, but the man chuckled,

"You can call me Wade, no need for formality." He glanced down at the page before him, the notes he'd scribbled there, "So, tell me a little about yourself." Karkat nodded, took a deep breath, and gave a quick summary of his life. His rocky relationship with Kankri, his growing self-loathing through his childhood and teen years, his struggle with gender identity and dysphoria, and now the traumatic loss of his brother. He held off on mentioning what Kankri did before his death for now, but he was sure it would come up sooner or later. They spent a majority of the hour with Wade helping Karkat understand it wasn't his fault that Kankri took his life. He encouraged Karkat to allow himself to grieve, as it was an important part of healing, and would help him come to terms with what happened. Karkat felt a little better when he said goodbye to Wade, going back to the waiting room to rejoin his dad and head home.

Kaimon offered a lot of activities they could do together, either at home or out somewhere, but he still sought to spend as much time with Karkat as possible throughout the week. The next visit with Wade started with a continuation of working through the grieving process, but shifted more toward Karkat talking about his issues with his self-worth. He went home with the task of writing down ten things he liked about himself, but it took all week to scrape together about five. Wade helped him with the rest, and then sat up a little straighter to meet Karkat's eye. Karkat glanced away after a moment.

"Okay, so there are some deep seated issues here that I can't fully help you with. As you can see I'm much more geared toward kids. I can help with the loss of your brother, but for the rest I'd like to suggest a clinic that specializes in mental health programs." He wrote down the name on the back of one of his cards and passed it to Karkat, who stared at the name.

"You… want me to go to a mental hospital?" He asked slowly, and Wade gave him a gentle smile,

"They aren't going to lock you up and try to 'fix' you. The doctors there are just better equipped to help you with some of the things we've touched on these past two weeks, and are qualified to prescribe medicine if you need it." He fiddled with his pen for a moment, his eyes softening, "I'm not forcing you. There's no obligation to go, but consider it as an option. Their outpatient program would have you come in regularly to talk with your doctor and have a safe, structured space to practice the methods they give you, and then return home." Karkat looked at the name again, then at the list in his lap, and nodded.

"I'll look into it." He mumbled, and Wade smiled warmly, nodding, and steering the conversation back toward his grief until their time was up. Karkat had something to research when he got home


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One can expect to find weird people in a waiting room. When that waiting room is for a mental health clinic, the weirdness only increases.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to my wife, who had very specific ideas about how she wanted Dave to be portrayed, and so co-wrote this conversation with me.
> 
> I tweaked it so the actions and narration flowed better in the story, but the words and motivations for Dave are all her.

He was pretty sure the guy was staring at him. His eyes were hidden behind mirrored shades, but his head turned when Karkat went to slump into a chair, backpack at his feet, hands in his pockets, waiting for them to print out paperwork for him. He felt uneasy knowing he was being watched, but tried to ignore it. Instead, he focused on the room he was in. Rows of chairs for patients, potted plants dotting the room, and a couple stacks of magazines on tables for people to flip through. Standard waiting room decor. There were a couple nurses at the desk, a young woman off in the corner, and the man staring at him from a few seats away. He grew more uncomfortable the longer the other kept fixating on him, finally shifting, pulling his hands from his pockets to cross over his chest as he turned away partially. The strange man's head lifted slightly, breaking out of his trance-like state and realizing how unsettled the brunette looked.

"Sorry, shit." He shifted in his seat, glancing away, "Didn't mean to freak you out. Got caught in my head." Karkat huffed quietly, staring at one of the empty chairs rather than look at him,

"Apparently." He replied, keeping his guarded posture. This was just what he needed. Being surrounded by people crazier than himself. They sat in silence for a moment or two, and the girl was called in for her appointment.

"Sooo…" The blond began slowly, lifting his hands to grab at imaginary bars with a crooked smile, "What're you in for?" Karkat rolled his eyes, picking at a loose string on his sleeve,

"Increased self-loathing and depression from my brother's suicide." He mumbled, and the blond nodded with a small halfhearted laugh,

"Yeah, I kinda get that." He lowered his arms again, bracing his elbows on his knees as he pressed a hand to his forearm, staring at the floor. A nurse at the reception desk broke the brief silence,

"Karley Vantas?" Karkat grimaced, but got up anyway, going to the desk to take the clipboard of documents to fill out and a pen.

"It's Karkat. I don't go by that name any more." He said quietly. The nurse apologized, making a note of that for him, and he went back to his seat. The blond watched him curiously as Karkat pointedly scratched out the name and wrote 'Karkat' above it.

"...Wrong name?" The other asked, and Karkat nodded, slouching down a little as he wrote. The man in shades stared at him for a moment, then lowered his voice, "Dead name?" Karkat paused his hand, cringing internally. He was so used to being criticized for changing his name, he was preparing for intrusive questions already.

"Yeah." He sighed, continuing to move the pen across the paper. He saw the other sit up a bit more, his eyebrows appearing above the mirrored shades.

"Trans buddies?" He asked cautiously, raising his hand to offer a fistbump. Karkat lifted his head, blinking with surprise. This guy was trans? He couldn't even tell. Maybe it was the red jacket hiding his natural figure. He reached over, bumping the fist with his own, giving a nod. The blond's face relaxed into a genuine smile, his shoulders dropping a bit in relief, "Sweet. Hey, uh… shot in the dark, but do you have a midol in your bag? My cramps are killing me today."

"Yeah." Karkat kept a little of everything he needed in his backpack for emergencies, so he had no problem digging around inside to find the sheet of foil containing pills. He tore one square off and passed it to the blond, who accepted it with a quick 'thanks' before opening the foil and swallowing the pill in one go.

"I'm Dave, by the way. Nice to meet you." He offered his hand, and Karkat took it, noting how he gripped Karkat's hand with the shake. Assertive, maybe.

"Karkat." He responded, taking his hand back to focus on filling out the pages of documents. His medical history, his personal information, all the usual stuff doctors needed. He would have tried to continue the conversation, but he wasn't sure what to say. There was no way to ask 'how crazy are you' without sounding like an asshole. Dave smiled briefly, seeming to get lost in his thoughts for a moment before mumbling to himself,

"Yeah, I could take him." The comment made Karkat jerk his head up to stare at Dave, alarmed and confused. Was this guy actually a violent psychopath or something? Would he suddenly attack Karkat while he was distracted? Dave lifted an eyebrow at his expression before realization changed his contemplative expression, "Shit, that was out loud, wasn't it? Sorry, I'm a couple days off my meds-" He raised his hands to show his open palms, "I'm not gonna hurt you. Promise." Karkat narrowed his eyes a little, skeptical.

"Uh huh." He said slowly, "So… you're not gonna snap out of nowhere if I move wrong?" He'd dealt with hair trigger tempers like that before. Gamzee was volatile as a demon when he missed his medication, and Karkat had been terrified of his best friend for a week or two afterwards. Dave shook his head, his bangs displacing themselves before he swept them aside again.

"Nah, I'm more likely to run to the other side of the room, actually. I've got wicked paranoia and hallucinations. Already watched myself get killed by you like four times since you walked in." He gestured vaguely toward the space on the floor between them, and shrugged. Karkat gave him a concerned look. That didn't sound any better, honestly. This guy was a real piece of work, wasn't he?

"Dude, that…" he struggled for the right thing to say. That was fucked up? No shit, that's why he was at this mental clinic. That would never happen? Obviously, Karkat couldn't even stand the sight of blood, but paranoia didn't work with logic. "Just… wow." He answered lamely. Nothing he could say wouldn't sound stupid.

"Yeah. Pain in the ass." Dave agreed, leaning back in his chair casually, "S'why the meds are so important. Kinda sucks to try and drive home and see yourself get into, like… sixteen wrecks on the way. Or go through a crowd and watch like fourteen people rob or slaughter you." He paused for half a beat, then rubbed his neck, "And oversharing is kind of a side effect, so forgive the word vomit." Karkat stared at Dave, speechless for a moment. Wow. That was a kind of fucked up he never wanted to be. Still, Dave seemed to be genuinely chagrined to have said so much, so he had to offer some reassurance.

"I'm used to long-winded people. I can talk a lot when I want to, and…" His eyes darkened a little as he looked down at the clipboard of papers, holding his pen a little tighter, "My brother would lecture people for all kinds of shit." Dave made a sympathetic noise,

"Sorry you lost him. Lost mine too." His tone suggested he knew it wasn't much of a comfort, but Karkat appreciated the attempt. He needed someone who understood.

"Were you close at all?" The brunette asked, glancing up at Dave briefly,

"Yeah, kinda." He shrugged a little, "He was my guardian, and gave up a lot to raise me, but did a shit job of it. More paranoid than a security guard for an exposed jewelry counter, more strict than a drill sergeant, and violent as an antagonist in a Marvel film, minus the fancy gadgets and cool powers." Karkat couldn't help the tiny smile as he tried to imagine what Dave's brother might look like as a supervillain.

"Not the best concoction to raise a kid. That had to suck." He mused, and Dave nodded,

"Yup. You speak meme?" Oh, this would be interesting. Karkat paused what he was writing to look up at Dave,

"Duh."

"Okay, so imagine growing up in a mix of 'PATRICIA!'" Dave turned so he wasn't shouting directly at Karkat, "and 'That's it, you're in timeout! Get on top of the fridge!!" Karkat couldn't help but laugh, shaking his head,

"Your house was a fucking nightmare." He couldn't help it, he had to finish the quote. It made Dave snort, slouching down in a fully relaxed position,

"It fucking  _ was _ , dude. Bro was insane. Rubbing all his paranoia off on me, and then he goes and gets himself offed, so I'm stuck with his old bullshit making me hate him, but also love him because family and shit?" God, Karkat had never related to a feeling so hard in his life.

"Yeah, my brother was…" He struggled to find the right words, "Not a very good brother. He never really liked me. But then he writes me a note apologizing for how badly he treated me, and now I just feel conflicted as hell."

"Uuugh," Dave groaned, his head lolling back in a show of suffering, "The internal conflict is  _ so real _ . Like, you were an asshole and now that I  _ can't _ get back at you, you try and redeem yourself? It's such bullshit!"

"Exactly! Don't go playing with my heartstrings if i can't punch you for it!" Karkat couldn't help but relax, leaning on the armrest closer to Dave, feeling more comfortable with him. "I just wish that-" He cut himself off, already regretting even considering saying what he was about to. Dave understood his loss, but wouldn't understand the love he felt for Kankri. He shifted his thoughts away from how his heart ached to be in Kankri's arms just a little longer. "That I didn't feel like it was still somehow my fault." He saw Dave nod, leaning toward Karkat in return,

"Hard same, dude. They can tell us it isn't until the damn cows come back from Law School with their diplomas, and hell they're probably right, but it still  _ feels _ like it." Dave huffed, rubbing his forearm absently, "Stupid fuckin' emotions." Karkat nodded, setting aside the clipboard now that he'd filled everything out,

"I just came out here to have a good time, and my emotions feel so attacked right now." The sudden laugh Dave barked out had the nurses looking up over the reception desk to see what was going on, sharing a glance with each other.

"Okay, just for that, I have to have your number now. That cool?" Karkat nodded, pulling out his phone to create a new contact, passing it to Dave as the blond gave his own to do the same,

"Sure, we can bond over being screwups." He commented, and Dave gave a wry smirk, typing quickly,

"Fuck yeah. Couple of misfits, that's where we fit in." Karkat gave back the sleek black phone once he'd saved his name and number in it, sighing,

"Don't really fit anywhere else." He muttered, taking back his own phone and looking at the info he was given. Name, number, and an email address.

"I dunno about that." Dave began, only for a nurse to step into the room from the hall that led to the clinic proper.

"Strider?" She called, gesturing to the blond. Dave got up,

"Well, that's me. Later, man." Karkat waved, offering a small smile before Dave followed the nurse into the hall, leaving him in the waiting room in silence. It didn't take long for him to get called, following the nurse to one of the rooms where he met with a doctor to go over what he was dealing with and come up with the groundwork for how to approach helping him overcome his issues in further visits.

Karkat had a greeting text from Dave when he checked it on the way to his car to head home, texting back a brief 'hey'. At the very least, he made some kind of friend today


End file.
